Continuing on, I hope you checked out Part 1, dear reader. Otherwise this post will make little sense…
After being moved by God’s definite love for me and for the people who He dearly loved, I was eventually sent home. I had an after-care program and went back home and went to church again.
I wish I could say I was quick to proclaim the amazing things that just happened! Sadly I was very emotion-based and didn’t want to say much of anything because I was depending on feelings after I got home and it “felt” like the Lord had left me entirely.
I was however not forgetting what He did for me though. I was baptized the month I got back!
So what did this all mean? Was that just a happy ending and I should just dust myself off and be done with living my life? One might see that as just an experience and look back on it like a pleasant memory but not move on or have new ones.
Is that all to my story? That would have been nice but God does things through all good and bad. He is there for us, He makes ways for us, and we might not see those blessings or the pure endless love of Him but it is there whether we might want to believe it or not!
We could dive high into the clouds and He is there. But what about if we went say… “underground?”
As long as we walk this earth could be be with us even if we think we were in “hell?”
The year after experiencing a happy joyous time, as if in time, there was the opposite. I was really feeling excited about living for the Lord.
Something awful at the church just happened (that I hadn’t known at all until just recently!!) and it was the reason our youth director was silently gone from our lives.
I thought in honesty it was because he would say inappropriate things to us. I wish, sadly!
We were young and Satan loves to shake things up, mess up, and destroy and “murder” lives before they even begin!
The “prince of lies” also loves to deceive, bring painful memories from far back into fruition, and keep us feeling that we can’t and shouldn’t do what God wants us to do.
He loves telling partial truths but will have you on your knees and yelling and feeling deep guilt and depression.
He also uses your experience for “his” gain! Now you can’t be at church. Now you can’t be this so-called “blessing.” I will remind you of so much you will wonder if this god is true in your life at all.
It was true that you’re a believer right? Or were you just deceiving people….?
Horrible thoughts creeped in like “Did they forgive me?” “I can’t believe my past is now somehow at the forefront of my life.” “Why…. why are they going out of their way to talk in depth about this…?” at a church meeting.
When I was driven to church, I was like a stick in mud. I could not move!
As if my fellow brethren were trying to remind me of His love or at least the beauty of His creation they told me with tears in their eyes how the flowers that sprung up looked.
I saw it, I even partially felt those flowers grew out just to show me God’s love and yet… I still felt paralyzed. What in the world was this???
My personal demons continued on with their game and after a while I didn’t know how to feel. I thought maybe I didn’t deserve God’s love. Maybe I should “go to hell” instead.
Hell is not a nice place by the way. Just sayin’! I felt like in the event I will share that it happened soon that I was in it but just know you don’t want to be there. It’s endless and it will be your only place after the first death if you choose to live without God…!
I didn’t like that ultimately in sin I was homosexual. I thought I deserved to “burn” because I couldn’t do things that apparently I found out later could only be done through Christ.
I had stopped eating. When my mom gave me a dinner she heated up in the oven, it somehow tasted like ashes (at least just a little bit). Then after more days and awful situations (I was going to lose my insurance soon and there was no way to stop it, it seemed) I lost grip on reality.
I thought I was still doing my movie project (only when I was sleeping) since I started back on it before all of this happened. I was over a friend’s house and after hoping the worst on myself I got attacked and “sent” to hell.
Screams and fire and brimstone I heard all around me. It smelled like sulfur was kept just below my nostrils every time I took a breath!
My friend’s mother (who was alive at the time) grabbed me and tried to bring me upstairs.
I heard a strange voice then I thought I “heard” her tell the voice to “shut up” and I also realized I couldn’t move well at all.
My legs felt like they were stripped of their skin and every step I took in the midst of the burning sounds and scream noises felt like the stairs I was moving up I was sinking into lava.
By the time I finally opened my eyes I was staring into hers and the flames, everything dissipated: no more screams, no more ungodly other sounds. She kept me in a quiet dark room and held me to herself.
As if it was a huge trauma I woke up the next day with some kind of mental “reset.” If I remember right the mom and dad were looking at me like I was their “baby” and showing love that I didn’t deserve. I responded back like a child.
(Sorry I had to take a moment to cry; the father also recently passed.)
So to keep this somewhat shorter, I probably didn’t see myself still as “redeemed.” I went my own way like a possessed person who believed now he was possibly the only person on earth to ever lose their salvation.
I was now dead on earth. I was gone. All because of self-judgement.
More hallucinations, more smelling of sulfur and this time I ended up at a few hospitals, not just at two (including the psyche building) like the year prior.
Eventually I ended up at the hospital. I probably would have perished if not for this special “dwelling.” But you know what was neat? It was the same hospital as last time. I was in the adult ward this time!
Then of course Satan did his things. More challenges and scary stuff. One night I saw two people outside my window by I’d say twenty feet away or so…? I knocked and they turned around. Two demonic men looked me in the eyes.
They immediately sprinted towards the hospital and headed for me. I was not hallucinating this time: They were friggin’ real!
Somehow they got into the hospital and went to my location.
I stood away from them as they headed for me. There were some firm but gentle shouts as the staff immediately kicked them out.
And like that they were gone…!
But as I speak of hell, remember when I said that Jesus is like a “firefighter…?” Well that’s coming up.
On Sunday I was so blessed to find out that in a smallish room a bunch of people were waiting as one man was not just a staff member on the medical team but also a pastor.
He shared about the bible. And He told of God’s love.
Here I was on the pit of seeming hell and then I heard a bunch of words that changed me after that moment. A spiritual refresher that could only come from a reverend filled by the Holy Spirit. A chance to know that there was renewal in the midst of hardship. Life in the midst of personal sadness and regret.
Out of all the terrible stuff I had done.
God still loved me.
My eyes overflowed with tears.
I had no idea. I did not know that it was possible.
So much of this touches on Psalm 139. Where can we go from Him? Is it possible while in this life to “get away” entirely from Him?
How great does He think of us too. It says in a following verse that if we were to count of His thoughts for us they would be greater than the grains that exist of sand!
What love. What compassion that He loved us so much that He also sent His son Jesus to die for us!
We should not take that punishment if there is a way out! In God there is a way and that in Christ Jesus.
Grace is like being given a gift we did not deserve. It was given selflessly with love for men and women, that we should not die before we find that answer.
You have just been given a gift. It was paid for by Christ Jesus who died for your, mine, our sin.
Do you know how much God loves you?
Anti-Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255
Father, I thank you for the gift of the Holy Spirit. Without being given that we would have no hope that we might see within us someday. May the reader understand that to live on their own leads to endless hardship but the way to live with joy and feel a great reason is in Christ. Father God I pray that this reader comes to the knowledge and faith that is in and through your Son. No matter what we go through You are there. Let that not be too late for this reader. May they understand that there is no religion but love from God but by the way that You made happen. Thank you for the privilege of prayer.
Note: Hope you enjoyed the debut of the new category Testimony. God bless you today!